I recently read an article for
men on “Why women just won’t go for the nice guys…” and realized men are
being fed just as much misinformation as their female counterparts! I
want to take a moment to debunk some of the information men are given
regarding the dating scene, as well as offer a little encouragement to
those single fellows out there.
MYTH #1: Women seek danger. Thus, they are attracted to the “bad boys.”
Simply not true. Speaking both from personal and professional
experience, for the average healthy female (not to mention men and
women, alike) it is often the opposite. Most people ultimately seek
security in a relationship. Do women often end up dating the outgoing,
thrill seeking “bad boys?” Sometimes, but it is not for the reasons you
may think. This often happens for one of two reasons:
- The confident, even arrogant, guy is more likely to ask her out.
- The confident ‘alpha’ male is more likely to step up and help her
when faced with danger. This assertiveness and courage is attractive.
However, courage and assertiveness can often be confused with arrogance
and impulsive behavior, too. A guy who consistently engages in risky,
thoughtless behaviors from any partner usually results in the
relationship ending fairly quickly. Humans, as a whole, do not feel safe
with those who consistently force them into dangerous situations.
MYTH #2: Arrogance is attractive.
No. Confidence and assertiveness are attractive. Arrogance,
egocentrism, self-importance, immodesty, and inconsiderate behavior is
definitely a way to make others run for the hills. What is the
difference? Arrogance is used when someone is trying to convince
someone else that they are worthy of that person’s time and attention
(ie. trying too hard). Confident individuals do not feel the need to
prove their worth. Arrogant people talk about themselves. Confident
people spend most of their time listening to others and learning.
Arrogant people engage in conflicts by inflating their own experiences,
“talking big” and throwing insults. Confident people seek understanding,
even when they disagree, and seek compromise and relatedness. Arrogant
people speak down to and dismiss those who disagree with them. Assertive
people spend most of their time listening and share their thoughts only
when asked and, often, in a calm manner. Be sure you are exuding
confidence…not arrogance.
MYTH #3: Women want men with six-packs.
Women want men who are healthy. Men want women who are healthy.
Humans prefer healthy humans—simple as that. Some of this is simply
biological. If a woman is to carry your child, she wants to ensure the
child will be strong and healthy, and that you will be strong and
healthy, too. Essentially, she wants a partner who is able to support
her when she is in her most vulnerable pre and post-baby states.Is a six-pack necessary? Nah. In studies looking at factors that women
rate as important in a relationship, physical appearance is low on the
totem pole. Women are looking more at independence, confidence,
establishment in society, establishment in career, and responsiveness to
other’s needs. Physical health does matter, but less for reasons
related to sexual attractiveness and more related to performance, health
and ability to endure hard times.
MYTH #4: Women want a “project.”
Between the centuries of socialization to nurture, layered on top of
strong genetics to “nest,” women tend to quickly jump into various
caretaker roles when they begin to feel more commitment in a
relationship. Does this mean they want to be your mother? No. It is
healthy for couples to take care of and support one another, but only to
a limit. After counseling many couples, one of the largest sources of
frustration for women and, ultimately, termination of the relationship
is an imbalance of responsibility and contribution. Men often go
directly from living with their mother to either a college dorm
situation or into cohabitation with their partner. One remedy to this,
which I often recommend to men (and women), is to experience living
alone for at least one year. When you live alone, and support yourself
fully, you become quite acquainted with your own imperfections. Through
this process, you develop some insight that will help you in future
relationships, including some skills in paying bills, doing laundry and
the dishes, as well as keeping a clean home and managing your time.
MYTH #5: Nice guys finish last.
In other words—Nice guys are boring… The truth: Boring guys are
boring. Men who only consume are boring. Men who provide, create, and
experience are attractive. Men who have their own hobbies, friends,
interests, and passions are attractive because they are living their own
life. Thus, they have something to talk about and something to share
with others around them. Instead of watching and telling others’
stories, they are creating their own. This goes for the ladies, too! Is
this not what you are looking for in a partner, too? One way to make
yourself much more interesting is to get involved in experiences outside
of your living room and local bar. When you get out of the house and
invest in your own growth, you are much more likely to meet someone you
find interesting, as well!
written by osagie
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